Alone or Lonely?

 It seems to me that being alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely.  Three years ago I became a widower after my wife of ~35 years, Wendy, died from gynecologic (ovarian and endometrial) cancer.  Since then my life has changed in more ways than being single.  My special needs son has moved out to a group home, I have downsized my home to a different, but not far away neighborhood and I am in a long term serious relationship with a wonderful woman I met via a trusted friend.  I do have a housemate - my wonderful dog, Pepper, 10 years old and doing great.  Other losses in myh life add to my alone status.  My parents passed away a few years ago, as did my wonderful in-laws.   My son and his wife lost a 7 day old son due to a tragic and unexpected medical problem.  He lives 6 hours away.  My two remaining sibling, of the seven of us, live half a country away.

So I am alone and, most of the time, not lonely.  But there are times when I definitely am both and, at times, even when I am with others, lonely due to the losses in my life.  Luckily for me, I have close and long distance friends and family, a love filled romantic relationship and a strong church community to support me.

So, are you alone?  Lonely? How do you respond to these questions?  What are your coping skills?  What do you do when you are alone or lonely.  

Please share as you feel comfortable.

Life has bumps

If you were wondering where I went - it was because life got complicated. 
See:  https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/wendyericsson

Community Support - "How Can I Help?

"How can I help?"

A lot times when you live in a suburban area, you never get to really know your neighbors.  Yet, there are things that can break down that barrier.  Sometimes, its a common church, synagogue, family or other connections.  And sometimes is a gathering together in support around a family in need.  A house burned to ground in our neighborhood and neighbors and friends near and far jumped up to help with meals and other support.  In our own life, there has been a continuing very serious medical problem.  And again the walls of community indifference collapse and, as Mr. Rogers said, the "helpers" come forward to help and it leads to more connections then there ever was.

So, why?  I believe it is our innate desire as humans to help one another.  However, the real stumbling block isn't about having the will to help - it's about having a way to help.  That is, people want to help, but don't know how.

Sometimes they spontaneously offer to do something that you may or may not find helpful.  Other times the say "Let me know if you need anything" or "Let me know if there is any way I can help" or "Call me anytime".  All of these are usually offered in sincerity, but for those in need of help they often aren't the best way to support someone/a family in need.

What I've learned from dealing with my wife's cancer is that you need to get to specifics.  Either in your offer to help or, as the person struggling, in your request.  So, for instance, asking if you can make a meal is great.  Asking if you can bring something for dinner on Tuesday - what time is a good time and what foods would you want that you can't get to make now?  The difference is in being specific.  Families in trouble have a million things on their mind.  Figuring out what to say is harder than looking at the calendar for doctor's appointments and treatments to figure out when it works and to tell what foods your family will eat.

Another thing to do is to be specific in your listening.  When we were in the lowest initial phase of cancer treatment, a neighbor walking by with her dog asked about my wife.  I gave her the "Cliff Notes" version. Then she did the "and how are you?" side question.  I gave the short form answer that I was "hanging in there", but then I mentioned getting a bit behind on my yard work, absently brushing my foot across the longer than ideal grass on our lawn.  Just to be clear - this wasn't an intentional request.  I was already out there looking at the task that needed to be done and trying to figure out how I would do it given my overpopulated list of things to do.  Without missing a beat she looked at me and said - my son and husband will come over and cut your lawn for you. I said that wasn't necessary, but she politely said it was not a big deal (e.g. a polite mom's response meaning you WILL be having your lawn cut for you).  For the next three weeks, they came over - with a tractor, push mower and edger.  I was then able to pick up the chore again having gotten relief for a specific problem.  It was specific, it was important (to me), it was greatly appreciated, and it allowed me to focused on important things including (what everyone tells you to do, but never have time to do) taking time for me to rest.

I had a similar experience with my garden.  I love growing veggies and flowers, but just wasn't getting to the shopping and labor involved.  I indirectly shared my frustration with a friend and next thing we knew she was in my garden with her husband kids planting tomatoes and veggies and even putting flowers into the pots on our deck.  I came outside to see them and nearly cried (not something I do easily).

Sometimes an offer might be very appealing and yet you really have to turn it down - laundry is the clearest example.  It needs doing and that's especially the case if it's the sick persons normal chore and a totally alien task to you (at least since I was a bachelor).  However, the idea of having the neighbors know the answer to "boxers or briefs" or other personal things a family's laundry will tell, is just not as appealing to many folks.  That was true for us - for others in need, they may see that one completely differently.  My key point is that specific offers or, if you are the one needing support, specific requests are the best way to provide/get meaningful help.

Here's two valuable resources:

• http://www.takethemameal.com/index.php 
  This site lets a support network coordinate meals and scheduling.  It allows the receiving family to say when they need meals and what food preferences/allergies they have.  (e.g. no one eats brussel sprouts in our house)
  
• http://lotsahelpinghands.com/ 
  This is a great resource to coordinate tasks with helpers.  We have a special needs son who can't drive and we needed to get him to therapeutic riding lessons and college classes.  We also needed "chemo buddies" to drive to/from and stay with Wendy during chemo visits (5-7 or more hours).

Remember, to help, offer something SPECIFIC.  When you need help - ask for something SPECIFIC!  Nobility isn't helping you - so ask. And think of specifics.  Lastly, get a systematic approach.  A helpful, close family member or friend can set up one of the above sites for you.  We were blessed with an "Angel" neighbor (MW - we love ya!) who did it for us.

Friday Night Lights Shouldn't Mean Lights Out!

Okay, let's start with a disclaimer.  I was in the marching band. 

So stadium lights in HS on Saturday night were MUCH more important for the band than those for the football squad.... and that reflects a bigger problem here in the bosom of suburbia and beyond across the entire US landscape.

The "news" this week is that an overpaid football star (two or actually even more) was physically abusive to their spouse.  Very much so.  Not a minor problem at all, especially given the NFL willingness to sweep it under the rug.   And, tonight, another "star" has been brought up on felony abuse charges after using a "switch" on their very young son.  And both still aren't behind bars or shunned by all of their "fans".

These athletes are quote, unquote "skill" players.  Stars in the NFL.  And that status all the more explains what is happening.

I went to a great academically focused liberal arts college, Muhlenberg College.  The thing people remember about the school is how it prepped folks for secondary degrees, especially MD, DO, DMD, JD, MBA.  In other words, its prestige was for its academic output and not its football squad.  Thank God!

There are high schools all over America where being the big football star gets you all kinds of extra treatment and education support (e.g. better grades than you should earn) higher than does the greatest clarinet player in the entire county.  Be the best academic student MIGHT get you a great scholarship to college, but be the best tight end, wide receiver or quarterback at a good size HS and you get a full free ride at some college.  That's just messed up.

The "Big 10", SEC conference and all manner of other college NCAA sports machines generate all kinds of $$ from their sports programs, with football being the biggest money machine of them all.  If you get picked to be a "student athlete", you are in for one of the most protected, unbelievable ill-conceived, rides of your life.

That undue dependence on sports means that an unduly "macho" violence oriented (and not at all tacitly supported) culture emerges where those with superior athletic skills are mean that student is given all kinds of help not available to the next super software designer or biologist (who creates a world saving food solution) elsewhere in that university.  

These "student athletes"  (and they are all young men) are given one forgiveness after another for treating others poorly, poor academic performance, and disrespect for others (and especially women).  They are reinforced for their violence, their swagger, their dominance.  After all, its what helps them succeed on the gridiron (or the boards, or the ice, etc., etc.)  And so, we breed an aggressive, often violent, group of "ordained" men who are encouraged to be tyrants and sociopathic in their violence.  Except, they aren't called that.  They are called world class athletes.

And so we create these violent, self-centered beings and are shocked ("shocked"!!!!) when they are violent toward the vulnerable in their lives.  Truth - we created and endorsed that perspective and they live out what they were encouraged to be.  AND - even worse, they are often role-models for young men all across the country who see their behavior as something to emulate vs. be repulsed at.

So, back to marching band.  Our local suburban township board of education sent out a brochure encouraging voters to support lighting our HS football field.  And it had some great points, like protecting the safety of our "student athletes".  

Except for two things.  

The band, which has brought home many more championships than any of the sports teams, was not mentioned at all as benefiting from the lights (all their local competitors have field lights) AND not one word was spent on how the maintenance and ongoing power needs costs for those lights would be funded.  I know - we will.  

So, once more, we idolize our athletes.  Encourage them to be macho and aggressive men and women.  And then we "shocked", "just shocked" when one of them takes that endowed sense of violence out against one of the more vulnerable in their life.

Well, its time to stop.  Enough with full force endorsement of the violence generated out of a sense of privilege.  If you want to be in the varsity level band, you better have the grades with out any special supports.  It you want to play Div I NCAA sports, guess what?  You have to pass English 101 without a special class or lenient professor.

And if you are a scholarship level athlete, you need to be held to an even higher standard of behavior just to make sure you know that you have no endowed privilege to be abusive, sexist, or violent.  

Oh, and back to the marching band.  It is never okay to use your body to shove around the trombone player.  

It was their turn for 8 minutes of glory you insolent offe.  You get 60 minutes (+ an unbearable amount of commercials) to show your stuff.  Leave the band geeks alone.  Odds are they will be making a great life and better income long after your knees are screaming at you to have been a science major instead of a "sports science" major.

One band, one sound!  There's a group of champions - with a GPA to knock your valves off.  GO BAND.

The Sounds of Silence and .... Sirens

If you are outdoors on any given spring/summer/fall weekend day in suburbia the first sound that will probably come to your ears will be the buzzing of small gas engines attached to some kind of lawn mower, tractor, or edger.  Dads, moms, daughters, sons on tractors, push mowers and other devices of grass mono-culture.  You'll probably find me somewhere out there with the crowd.
  

Night time in suburbia sounds like..... actually not much.  Its quiet and, even on temperate weather day when the windows are open, still very quiet.  Barking dogs are brought inside or quieted by their nature or their owners.  Occasionally, you will hear music and laughter from a backyard or pool party, but by 10 or 11, all is done and quiet.

Sirens are rare and cause for consideration that it could be someone you know.  Trucks are the trash trucks, landscaper trucks and a few UPS/Fed-Ex vans that come and go early and aren't heard from again.  Buses are not in the neighborhoods and just not heard when they go by on the main roads outside the development.  

When the temperature climbs windows and shades close and you can add the continual hum of outside air conditioner units.  And not much more.  The number of neighbors outside drops to the same low as seen on very cold winter day.  Once again, the quiet reigns and, at times, can be stifling in the lack of personal connection inherent in it.

But, here's the thing - I grew up in the city for most of my childhood.  And travel to cities on business as an adult.  Night time in the city is different.  

Day time in the city offers car horns, trucks and buses.  Sirens from police  and fire are routinely heard.  Trash service is usually a municipal service and runs a larger part of the day. At night, these sounds continue and, unfortunately, are, in some neighborhoods punctuated by sounds of gunfire or other signs of someone in peril.  

On hot nights, more folks are outside and you can routinely hear kids outside playing day and night once you get off the main streets and into the neighborhoods.  In the summer block parties and outdoor BBQs connect neighbors and families.  Apartment buildings lead to hallway encounters while getting the mail from the hallway box.

Even in the city, though, it is an effort to connect.  Its easier to keep your head down and do what you need to do.  Don't make eye contact - don't talk unless you need to.    And that's exactly like in the suburbs (except maybe at the entrance to a WaWa - see my prior blog entry).

The challenge in both neighborhoods - suburban or city, is for us to stay connected to our neighbors.  Friends we want as friends, others we want just as acquaintances.  Whichever category they fall in, let them know that we are all together in support of each other, whether its noisy or quiet.    Reach out to one another.  Know who your neighbors are.  Fight the barriers offered by the noise or the quiet so that we all know we are connected in the light of day or dark of night.

Hometown? What's that mean to a suburbanite?

When I first started using Facebook, I set up a profile and one of the things they  asked was what was your "hometown".  That one stumped me and I bet it has for lots of folks in cities, towns, hamlets, and even here in the bosom of suburbia.

See, my parents are from Brooklyn.  That's their hometown even though they haven't been there in 30-40 years.   You ask them and they say it clearly and with out hesitating.  

Bruce Springsteen had that feeling in his song "My Hometown".  Bruce Springsteen - My Home Town The inherent pessimism of the song, as well as the longing it are not quite the feeling one thinks of when posting a hometown on Facebook.  It references scenes (in my mind, at least) of Freehold, NJ, about 10 minute from one of my home towns, Monroe Township, NJ.  A nice enough town, but still not the ideal "American" little town.

You could go with Paul Simon and Art Garfinkel singing about "My Little Town" - a really pessimistic view  Simon & Garfunkel - My Little Town singing about the dead and dying in their old town.  I'm not grooving that either.   

Here's the thing, I've lived in lots of places:  I'm not sure what to put down. I was born in Elizabeth, NJ, lived in Jersey City, Monroe Township, Frederick, MD (actually Braddock Heights area), Allentown, PA for college, one summer break in Beaufort, SC, one summer in Memphis, TN, a year or so in Rockledge, PA, Willow Grove, PA, Warrington, PA, Hatfield Township, PA and now in Worcester PA. And, its the last one that I have lived in the longest. Any advice?  What should I put as the absolute home town?

With my brother, Lars, in Jersey City

Monroe Twp, NJ 6th grade.

Some say you should put where you are now, others say you should put your high school town, but I have two of those, both of which are very important to me.  Others say that home is where your heart is.  We've lived in this area around Lansdale, the bosom of suburbia outside of Philly for 20+ years, so maybe that should be my official "home-town"??  

Any number of other songs work on this challenge.  "Our House in the Middle of Our Street" Our House is our Castle & Our Keep but that one seems to gloss over a number of things and also makes fun of the shelter a house can be as we grow up.

Home and hometown are a continually resonating theme.  On American Idol, a winner's big launch hit was about it  - http://youtu.be/HoRkntoHkIE.  I like this one, it has the longing and caring about the person you want to bring to your home, but something is too syrupy in it for me.  

Ancient rock and roll touched it often, including this gem from Simon and Garfunkel:  Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel .  It expresses a sense of being exhausted by the initial bumps of life and heading toward the shelter and love one needs to be restored before facing the world again.

Even old Hollywood standards, like the Wizard of Oz, tap into this root.  http://youtu.be/zJ6VT7ciR1o   Dorothy's wishes are in her hands all along, but she needed to leave Kansas for some other things to realisze the value home had for her.  

1977 "Styling" TJ HS
Grad Picture

So why all this wondering and wandering?  Today I went to the Englishtown Auction (which doesn't have any type of auction), one of the country's largest flea markets.  Its an amazing mix of junk and treasures, cultures from all over the walls, bargains and rip-offs and may other things in between.  Lunch was Filipino grilled pork on a stick and all American sweet tea.  Not what you could find there in 1974 at all.

After lunch I left the "auction" and drove around Monroe Township and environs where I lived from 6th grade until moving in the summer after my 10th grade.  I drove past my grammar school (where I wore very stylish (for 1974) white loafers under my dark blue graduation gown, my high school (which is now the middle school), the church where I was confirmed (a much enlarged, beautiful looking place).  Lots of the area was changed, but lots were the same.  It all seemed bigger when I was there as a kid, but ironically, it is all smaller than I imagined and I am bigger (around the middle) than I was then.

So, where is your "home-town"?  For me, it's here, where I have lived for 20+ years, its Monroe Township, NJ, and its Frederick, MD.  Its okay to have 3 hometowns, I hope, because I am sticking with that.  I have too many folks I love and loved in every single one of them to let one be picked over the other as being the "place I come from".

So, if you are sitting in Bangalore, Beijing, Sidney,  Oslo,  Baghdad, Rome or some where in the bosom of suburban Mexico City, you have a home town and a home, and maybe, just maybe the difference or names of the two don't matter at all. 

After all, its all where you are is and has been shaped - hurt or loved, changed or solidified.  Its all in you and part of how you interact in the world.  And maybe, just maybe, we all have the same "home-town" - our world, with all its bumps, bruises, joys and triumphs.  We are all neighbors, and that gives us a moment to consider caring for each other in way we would only do for the family next door.

So, where are you from........??? 

Homeward Bound by Simon & Garfunkel

There's No Place Like Home

Phillip Phillips - Home

Madness - Our House

Simon & Garfunkel "My Little Town" Live in Sydney 21 June 2009

Bruce Springsteen - My Hometown

Corruption or how things work?

Sitting in the bosom of suburbia in the highest per capita county in Pennsylvania can give one a false sense of the American dream being intact and strong as ever.  All of those living around here are living that dream.  Most have houses nicer than their parents and definitely nicer than those of their grand parents.

So, how does the current US government/finance interaction have importance to their lives?  If  a company (as now sheltered by the People United Supreme Court decision) wants to speak in its own interest in elections, they are free to do so, as much as any labor union, religious organization, 501(c)3 organization.

So, for those living the "dream", why should we worry? Why?  Because we are living in the latter days of Rome.  The oligarchs are running our lives and we are encouraging them to do that.

Here's an example.  Each school district needs to pay for new schools or renovating older, energy inefficient, or unsafe schools.  They "float" a bond issue to get the cash to fund it immediately and pay it off over time.  Guess what?  The interest rate they are paying is higher than it should/could be.  Why?  Because a small number of very rich banking executives in Britain set the LIBOR rate for borrowing $$ which will affect every municipal loan percentage in our country.   Their recent conviction and parliamentary convictions has not been loudly communicated via the American press on its impact to our local governments.

School districts lay off teachers, build lesser buildings.  Townships hire few police officers or municipal service workers and deliver less services.    Why?  Because a lot of people assume its just the poor US economy.  This financial status didn't just happen.  It was allowed to occur by elected and non-elected government officials across the political spectrum at all levels whose political and personal financial interests motivate them to keep their mouth's shut or, worse, manipulative for those interests, keeps the public from understanding that they are being screwed, not only at the national level, but at the local bosom of suburbia level, as well as inter-city, county, state, and national levels.

So -- very few elected officials are being disposed like the very corrupt president of the Ukraine.  Putin is one of the wealthiest persons in the world, despite having been a civil servant most of his career.  The ultimate leader in N. Korea lives in luxury while his people starve and have been convinced that their leader should be held above themselves, the laws of common humanity, or of any country not fully suppressing their people with via, harsh, military and security apparatus.

So, sitting here in my warm, safe, dry, well lit home in the bosom of suburbia, what should I think?  Is this how things work?  Am I being overly idealistic to expect our leaders in both government and business to have the general well being of their constituencies be priorities in their work activities?  I mean, we are okay..... at least for now.  One enormous set of medical bills or work income collapse and we are screwed.  But for now, I can think that isn't a likely reality.

Does corruption belong as an organic part of any country's political and leadership processes?  Is there some level that makes it work better?  Is it idealistic to think it should never occur?

So?  What do you think?  I think that a level of corruption happens in any system, but that here in the USA, it's drifting upward to a level beyond what is good for the general populace. AND its not a republican/democratic, left/right, liberal/conservative issue, despite well funded sources on both sides efforts to convince of just that.

What we need now, are leaders of high independent character, no matter what political, social or financial perspective.  Their focus should be on making our country and our world be better based on decisions and words driven  by only their passion for our country and world.

Gladiators or Athletes

I like pro-football - there I said it.  But, I am definitely not sure that I should at all.  So here's the deal.........

The men playing this sport are mostly young (under 30) and somewhere soon after their 30th birthday, their career as an NFL player is over - some times due to eroding speed, skills, or commitment, but more often than I think we know it's because they have been injured too many times or one time very badly.  

By their late 40s, many have terrible arthritis in their knees, hips, etc.  By their 50's or sooner, the repeated concussions, and other brutal elements of the game lead some to dementia, alzheimers and other serious health issues, some of which are life threatening.

But year on year we (as a nation) send our sons off to pee-wee football, middle/high school football and, if they are really skilled, to Division One University programs where everything about their lives is about getting them to the large stadiums (coliseums) to fight the (Nittany) Lions, BullDogs, Screaming Eagles, and other teams.  All of this sacrifice goes without a salary.  In Div I, you'll get medical care from doctors paid by the University to get you back on the field or off the roster.

If you get injured and can't heal up to return to the arena, pouf goes your "student athlete" scholarship, tutors, free meal plan, time in the glory lights of the 90-100K seat coliseum of the "educational institution", all covered in big $$$ TV contracts, as well as oversized amounts of advertising, none of which explain the Krebs cycle or anything else useful outside of the arena.  You are officially up S%## creek without a paddle.

If you survive the college level gladiator battles, you can get paid for being a professional athlete and have a contract giving you 1-3 years (or 1 game) of promised income, but in exchange you give your body and soul to the big dollar machine that is the NFL in the US.

The doctors are the teams doctors (who advertise themselves as the "Official xxxx of the yyyy Team name).  If I had a job that required that much medical staff on site at my workplace, I would probably reconsider the quality of the job I have worked so hard to get.  But these gladiators don't.  They fight in the arena and do get injured, even paralyzed, but almost always are in terrible pain  (good thing they have the medics right there).  BTW - if my office had to have an x-ray machine in the offices, I would also find that very blood chilling (oh, wait that stuff is in the refrigerator).

And its not just football.  I was watching the outdoor NHL hockey game called the Winter Classic and there was no way to miss the resemblance to the Roman Gladiators coming out to slaughter...... whoever they can.

I could add a number of other sports examples, but this blog entry is too long already.  

So, where is this all heading?

Can the barbaric treatment / self inflicted harm on these young men being eliminated by replacing them with robo-athletes?  I am pretty sure the ratings would crash - and that's one ugly conclusion - that we prefer to see human flesh in brutal battles than robots.

So, next time your son asked if the player laying on the football field is hurt badly, don't say he's not.  He probably is.  Badly.

Keeping it real that these are genuinely violent events (not really JUST a game) is the first step to figuring out why all the TVs here in the bosom of suburbia spend all day Saturday and Sunday (and Monday night and next season, Thursday night) tuned to football games.   I sure hope we figure out why and that we (and I) consider the nature and value of these "sports" and the gladiator athletes on their fields or ice rinks.

Coda:  I know there are women involved in all of these sports and I am sure they are being used by this system, but that is a whole 'nother blog entry.

Commune, Community, Commute, Communion

Let's gather over a discussion of how people gather and its role in its importance to our joint survivor.  

Over the past 9 months I have been looking more at how groups of people care for and interact with one another.  In their homes, over a meal, in a religious ritual.  With family, with friends, with strangers, with enemies.  All of these have things in common:

• Its purpose is positive - bringing people together and bringing them to a different point in their connections to each other
• It is nutritive - all of these are opportunities to be "fed", even if some times the "food" is bitter or poisonous.
• It is global.  


• In the depths of the Sahara desert, offering (and accepting) a meal from your host is a social necessity to further engagement or business
  
• In China, the greeting we know is how are you can be translated as "have you had rice"?
  
• In a Mediterranean culture based family home a meal is always offered
• In other parts of Europe or Latin America, a meal is something to be lingered over
• In Africa, a meal can be a bowl of meat and vegetables and break
  
• In Christian churches all over the world, the sharing of bread and wine in Communion is universal (even when grape juice replaces wine) as a joining of a community around a common symbol of grace, caring, and bonding together.
  
• In Jewish families all over the world Passover and other occasions are celebration of appreciation and remembrance of God's grace provided to the Jewish peoples. 
  
• In can be done by sharing your resources, even when they are sparse as seen in people bringing meals to those in need or facing challenges of health, money, death of some one close to them, or, even, in bringing a part of a meal to the house of a host who has invited you to their house for a meal.
• It can be seen in first responders, medical personnel and ordinary citizens who run toward danger, like a bomb blast during a marathon or a building attacked by a jet airplane.  
• Its visible in caring work done for others with out regard for reciprocation.  It can be seen in gardens being planted or weeded, lawns being cut, snow being shoveled, rides to doctors or church, and many other ways for people or families in need of support during old age, overwhelming grief, chronic illness or acute family challenges including a home burnt to the ground.

Taking this to the context of violence and war, maybe the answer to conflicts between states, tribes, religious sects, races and other separations that cause violence, physical or other wise, maybe we should be bringing meals and a welcoming table with out context other than communing and building a community.

Bombs, guns, poisonous gases, genocide  and missiles are often used, to rare positive effect, and often only worsen our world in any number of ways.  Maybe we should be using more bread, wine (or juice or water) and many other types of shared cultural food to underline our commonalities and not our differences.  And like many families table rules, no politics,  religious or sex talk is to be allowed at the table. 

Break out the table, chairs and subsistence. and let the world commune on small and large scales.  Maybe we can make our world a much better place.

Turning Pages in the Garden

Each point in life is a page turning.  

I'm sure its visible in every neighborhood, but in our neighborhood here in the bosom of suburbia, its visible to me like a bright glaring beam of the moon on clear night.  Late May and June is the season of lots of pages turning.  

Graduations are the most visible things we see at this time of year.  We had two - a college and a high school.  Each of our sons have different journeys as do may in your own life.  Turn the page.

Caps and gowns and tassels turned to the other side.  And now what?  Each of those wonderful sons and daughters are heading toward roads of joy and sorry, love and disappointment, success and failure.  A whole lot more pages turning.  

June brides and smiling grooms by their sides.  Summer solstice and last days of school for the kids who aren't graduating.  People planning summer days at the beach or mountains, all writing new pages in the books of their lives.  

How does one interpret this in a wider lens?  We can't stop the pages from turning. They will turn, even if we aren't reading them.  So, maybe we have to learn to follow them.  

I am a gardener.  I plant both perennials and annuals.  Veggies and herbs.  The perennials come forth every spring.  The annuals need time and attention, and love as well, to get them going, to prepare the earth for them, and planting them.  And some times the page that turns is the gift of a friends caring support for you.  Like the loving friends who came and planted my veggies and flowers when I was busy turning the continuing pages on a story of an extended illness in our home, a page in a story not fully written but with numerous plot twists and turns, and, in a few more pages, a good chance at a happy ending.

So, some page turning is perennial, and others are gifts and surprises, sometimes bad, but often good.  And even the bad ones some times lead to many unexpected good ones.  Plot twists that we think are total disasters, are all that, but sometimes that disaster takes us to another page, another good, but different happy ending.   

Here is suburbia, we don't always care, or even know one another.  When the pages turn and things get rough, you realize you aren't turning pages alone.  You aren't alone in turning the pages and that makes the book of life so much more interesting.    Share your book with others and keep turning the pages.  It will be worth your time.

Out here in the burbs (and maybe in other areas - urban, rural, etc.), Prom season is a big deal.  For many schools, the day of prom is Friday and the school is either closed or people don't show or it is closed early.  The prom is usually on Friday night, some times Saturday.  Either way, its an occasion that has gone from a fancy dance, where some times (as it was for mine) where the boy friend/date buys the girl dinner, or a sit down dinner looking more like a wedding banquet than a party for 17-18 year olds.  

The big thing is to have a large group of people go to some one's house and pose for a large group picture in that houses' all too perfect back yard, deck, gazebo, etc.  The boys are often in a new suit that costs $100- 200 or more bucks.  Or a tux that cost most of $100 to rent.  The girls have special hair do's and make up, either done with a lot of effort at home or a lot of money at a salon.  They look gorgeous.  Some dresses are scarily revealing and others look more poofy than any of us had in the late 1970's.   But, I figure it is the effort that counts and not the spend.  

Except, the reason I am writing this blog entry is the money.  Lots of it.  And lots of families decide they want their kids/young adults to ride in style and rent some level of monster limousine.  

And then there is the pre-prom snacks, crudite or even something more fancy or expensive.   And then there is the flowers.  A corsage, mostly a wristlet and for the boys, a very nice lapel flower (not a carnation please).

And in our community, as occurs in lots of others is the extravent post prom party at (usually) the high school.  The Prom isn't at the gym at the school, but at a coutnry club or hotel.  Post prom in our community is a wonderful effort by a large number of wonderfully committed adults who would rather invest in an amazing night of fun at the school, then to see their kids out drinking, having unprotected sex, or driving exhausted to the (still cold) Jersey shore.  

So, why write about all this.  I'm not sure I think any of it is bad or good.  I do think that if you are into your kids prom for more than $500 bucks or so, that you are making an investment in one very fleeting moment in their life.  Will they remember it for ever?  I don't know.  The pictures we all take are going to look much the same no matter what is spent.  So, how did this get so big?  I have no idea, but I do think it is something we should take a moment to consider.  

Let's start with figuring out the relationship between what is spent and how much we remember so many years after.  The correlation is probably terrible.  What we remember is who we went with, how nice it was to be with friends or, at least dressed up super nice for a night.  Go stag?  You remember those guys or gals the same.  You were there.  You and the gang versus the world.  

Happy prom all.  Stay safe and staff well. And congrats on your graduation.  Life has taken you here and that is super cool and worth noting big time.  And now - we all need to move forward further into the adventure that is life.  

Convenience Store Doors and Manners

I know I wrote about Wawa in the past, but there is something I have always noticed and its a piece of suburbia (and cities too) that intrigues me.   For those not from this geography, picture a 7-11 or Turkey Hill, Cumberland Farms convenience store done at the pinnacle of the craft.   www.Wawa.com . 

The newest ones are massive with amazingly great coffee - many types, great deli sandwiches of many many kinds and massive quantities of soda types.  

But I am not writing this to champion their stores (okay, so I have already), but to talk about manners around holding the door for each other going in and out of the stores.    You see, the doors are manual ones that only swing out.  A store like the one above will sell 10,000 cups of coffee in a week (maybe more - I don't know).  They sell gas, ciggies and lots of other stuff that you make a quick trip in and out AND here's the point of this blog entry - EVERYONE holds the door for everybody, or so it seems.  Our world has so few places where people are helpful to one another and polite enough to pause in their busy days to stop and hold a door.  For men or women holding the door for me or women. 

And maybe, maybe, if you project this outward beyond just  a fast food store door, you can see that there is hope for humanity.  I know that is a stretch to believe, but maybe, just maybe it tells us that in this world of suburbia and urban isolation, red:blue separation and its associated vitriol, that in the simple act of stopping in the morning for a coffee and a Shortie Hoagie (ref - zep, hero, sub, etc.) for your lunch, you make the world heal a bit by just pausing and holding a door for a fellow human.  And that, I believe, is a sign of hope for us all. 

Wondering about the future in the bosom of suburbia

When we bought our house, we were focused on getting our sons into a school district with great schools.  And that meant paying 20% more for a house versus neighbor school districts.  It was a stretch for us (and still is), but worth it for our kids education.   That investment paid off, but I wonder if it will for the parents and their kids following us.

Every parent in America wants their kids to have more, and to achieve more, than the generation before.  That is part of the American dream.  We also teach them fairness. On the soccer field, when they are 6 years old, when they are playing sports, or competing in band festivals, scholarly events and all other competitive events, we teach them fairness as a core principle.  We also emphasize it in sharing toys and turns and other things with their siblings.   Fairness is even taught in household chores, allowing for the abilities of each child by their age, their relative maturity and, in our case, their disabilities (er, read that more politically as their "differences").  This is, I think, a core American Value.  We don't have royalty, we don't have "upstairs:downstairs" perspectives.  American is an egalitarian country  where any person, who works hard enough, can move up the economic ladder.

So, as a Dad sitting here in the suburban wonderland, I wonder if the system is like described by either political party at their national Conventions.  The land of the free, the home of the brave, a melting pot, where every child can grow to be the apple of their parents eye or even president, governor, congress member, or business owner.  Or, is the game rigged?  Despite my political perspective, this isn't an easy issue to diagnose.  My suspicion, is that it is rigged. But with all my heart, I hope it isn't.

The challenge for all of us.  Tea Party, Republican Moderate, Moderate Democrat or Liberal on the far left, is that I am no longer sure that any of us have the control our country's forefathers set in motion.   Money seems to matter much more than ideas, principles or character.  I personally like President Obama, but I would also look at a Republican candidate that was true to and consistent in beliefs.  Next election, we could see a democrat who moves around to meet the desires of their base (Etch a Sketch)  the same way that I think Gov. Romney does.  Like Bernstein ( a la Woodruff and Bernstein of Watergate fame)  said.  "Follow the money".  And in all political perspectives (left - right), there are larger money interests favoring a direction that might not be the best thing for our country.  I can give a large gift (of my family's resources) to either campaign and not move the election the way a Union or a Oil interest can move things.

And at the very local suburban level,  I wonder where the money is moving things.  The local Wawa closing I mentioned last time in this blog  was a ultimately a political decision.  For the financial health of our Township, I believe it was a bad choice to not let them expand their store to a more profitable format, especially given the loss of a gas station  on that same intersection.  Now we have another empty business store front on a key intersection in our township instead of a tax revenue bonus for our kids, our safety, our community.

Tip O'Neill (not my favorite politician by a long shot) did say something very true, all politics are local.  What happens in the bosom of suburbia is small and seemingly unimportant versus a presidential campaign.  I think that's an incorrect assumption.  Its more about TV and other media revenue investments.  Its about the money.  Follow the money and you can find an awful twist on the suburban America (Politicians often call us the "middle class") dream.

So - I try to vote in every election, even the small local ones.  Do I pick left or right?  Not at all the point.  I pick.  And try  to stay informed  - for the school board, Township Supervisors, County officials.  And the State government and the Federal Offices.  Its ALL important.

If you are in the bosom of suburbia, don't be more complacent than those on the far left and right.  Because that's where the money is.  They will win while we are staying home watching the TV.  And that is us, giving away our future.  And that would be a terrible tragedy.

Be involved, be concerned.  Follow your values.  Then who ever wins, will be those chose by our community and by those funding the election.

The End of the Worcester Wawa -- A lesson in local politcal short term vision

When you live in the suburbs of a major metropolitan area, you usually have local news reports from that city.  For us, its Philadelphia - birthplae of our nation, one of its oldest cities and the 5th largest media market in the country.  So evening news is filled with shootings, robberies, murders and other crimes of big cities.  All of these are removed from our lives here in the burbs which makes them oh so easy to ignore.  Or to say, I'm glad that's not my neighborhood.

But maybe it is.  We live outside of Lansdale, a smallish town with a great diversity of neighborhoods and ethnic populations from many nations.  The local patch reported this past week serious drug busts, robbery and assaults.  A local special education teacher was indicted for having alleged sexual relations with a student.  Sure, the violence level is lower, but, is it really so different as the folks in suburbia think.

Meanwhile our local politicians argue about distance from roadside, age of local buildings, paint jobs, signs and other things of what seems very important consequence, but mostly aren't of any seriousness and are often resolved with rulings that reduce the taxable income of the township and cost it money in the decision process as well.  Its reminiscent of Nero playing his lyre while Rome burns.

Here's what I wish.  Fantastic schools for our children that stretch and challenge them no matter what their ability level or grad, safe neighborhoods and roads and reliable public services including first responders able come when we really need them. Quickly and professionally.  And, most important Governments driven by the public good, not by petty issues, campaign finance or under the table business interests.

Our local Wawa closed this week and I truly believe it didn't get to grow as the Wawa firm wanted because of petty, local political wishes and control needs.  A valued part of our tax base, a local chain store offering multiple jobs and quality service and products closed because of narrow perspectives and shorter term thinking.  Our schools roads and town will lose and there will be little gained.  It will be an empty store that drove lots of traffic to the other small business in that shopping center.  Add that to the empty lot across Skippack Pike and you realize how short sited the township has become.  I hate that.